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Monday, December 2, 2013

Baring my soul

So this is hard for me to do but since I rarely back down from challenging stuff here I go.
On Facebook going around is a list of things that people dont know about you.  I have not been asked to do it which is good cause I dunno if I want it all out there but it got me thinking and so you guys will have to suffer through it.

1.  I love my community and the lifestyle and the people and while everyone is nice to me I feel like I dont fit in.  I have no real friends near me cause I have only been there since 2001 and everyone else already had friends.  I have tried and I always feel like an outsider.

2.I feel guilty a lot about not wanting kids.  Not that I hate them but have never really wanted them.  Sometimes I think I am being selfish but thats how it is.  I feel even worse cause I know people who want kids and cant this is hard. And my hubby knew this but I still think he woulda liked some.

3.I have always wanted to ride and cut.  Ever since I was little but we grew up poor and I knew it wasnt possible so I never even asked.  We couldn't even have a dog so how could I have a horse. I sometimes think I should he happy to just ride and work cows and I love that but when I think of never cutting again I feel a part of me dying so not gonna happen I hope for a long time.

4.I love trains and helicopters. Have only taken a train trip once and never been on a helicopter but I love them like Sheldon from big bang likes trains. ..well almost lol.

5.I am more emotional than I let on.  I dont know why I think it is hard to let people see how I'm feeling but its been that way my whole life. I suspect part of it is I was always kinda a little different and didn't wanna let everyone know how much I didnt fit in.

6.I am not good at anything.  Everything I do is a challenge.  Sometimes I wish I could find something I am just good at.  Not that I havent tried, I have so many hobbies I could be busy for hundreds of years but still all are hard for me even when I dont act like they are.

7. I cant jump.  Never could. When I was about 2 my mom caught me standing on a little golden book (about 1/4 inch off the floor) and saying yump yump and trying to jump off it.  At least I come by it honestly when I say I cant jump.

8. I hurt all the time.  My hips and down my left leg to my knee always hurt. I can not remember the last time it didnt hurt.  Except when I ride I dont notice it.  Unless its more than 4 hours then it aches but not otherwise.  It does hurt after I ride though.  And I have done pretty much everything I can to fix it and I have found regular chiro and massage help but not a cure.   Neither was physio or drugs or the stretches a sports trainer gave me.

9. I love food.  Especially sugar.  I think I might just die if I could not eat sugar anymore.  Even though I know its not what I should eat if I dont I never feel full and am snackin all the time.  Specially chocolate and peanut butter, makes my mouth water just thinkin about it.  But I dont really like to eat baking.  Cookies are OK but cake naw.

10.  I hate housework. Both cooking and cleaning.  But worst of all is vaccuming.  Dont know why but I think it's the noise that irritates me.  Its a good thing I like to eat or I probly would never cook.

Not sure that's all but thats all for now.  And still second guessing posting this but I am gonna hit publish so I wont think on it any more.  Sounds like I need a therapist.  And probly do.  I think most people do at some point in life they just wont admit it.  And I wont either for now.


desertsandbeyond said...

Crystal, I'm at the point in my life where I really like my solitude. After putting up with 30 8 year olds all day, I JUST want to come home to my 2 dogs and cats. And silence.
~~Cheryl Ann~~ And, I love the solitude of the mountains and desert!

Shirley said...

I can relate to coming from a poor family and not fitting in, only it made me get my back up- must be my Irish side- and dare to be different.
I could never do any of the sports in school, I was always the last one picked for a team, and I think that's why I love horses so much, it levels the playing field.

Cindy D. said...

I never ever feel like I fit in. Not anywhere. Truthfully, I suspect that even the people that we perceive as being the ones who do fit in, carry this same feeling with them. They are just better at hiding it. LOL

To say that you don't want kids and then not having any is tons better than knowing you don't want any, and letting yourself get pregnant anyway. Its okay to be honest.

Housework sucks....duh!

I can sure relate to the not being good at anything. I can kind of do a lot of things but don't really excel at anything.

I love this post, it is nice to get to know you a little better. Thank you for baring your soul to us. :-)

Louisa Valentina; said...

Good for you for posting this, I find that sometimes just putting it out there in written form is so good for the soul. :)

CDH said...

I enjoyed reading your list..Dont feel selfish about not wanting kids...I didn't either, but had one. Then wanted my tubes tied when I was 22, my doc thought I was too young. I probably was. But I WAS selfish and wanted my time to be mine...No problem acknowledging that at all.

fernvalley01 said...

Cool to learn these things about you. I cant jump either, as for not wanting kids, far better that you are wise enough to make the choice than to just go with the flow and have children to suit convention. As for gals like me who wanted kids and couldn't?no judgement whatsoever from this corner. We are given in this life what we are supposed to have not always what we want.And I think from what I have seen of your family posts, you are a pretty amazing auntie!

aurora said...

Nice to get to know you better. I also suspect many have similar feelings, it's the stronger people that don't need to hide ~ like you :)

lisa said...

You sound human! I love my kids but I have to say, I sure am glad that they are grown up! I grew up in a household that it was just my mother most of my life! We never had money. I hated school, I was never popular and was always picked on. You could say boo to me and I would start crying. My husband is the one that made me stronger! I still am very shy and quite and it is hard for me to be out spoken or know what to say in a crowd of people. Most people think I am stuck up but it is the total opposite, I just don't know how to relate sometimes and I prefer to not stick my foot in my mouth if I can avoid it!

cdncowgirl said...

Chica we could be sisters!
I so know what you mean about not really feeling like part of the community, AND about the not having kids. Seriously though, having kids apparently makes you part of the community just because of all the school stuff and all that.

The only time I was on a train I was really young, so I don't really remember it. But a few years ago I got a free helicopter ride! It was AWESOME :)

#s 5, 6, 8 & 9, yep, yep, yep and sorta... my sweet tooth likes baked goods ;)

and 10 YES. What is with the vacuum?! I really really don't like it. Thankfully we don't have tons of carpet so I mostly use a stick vac (Dyson, love it!) or a broom.

Country Gal said...

Yup human for sure ! I have two kids, boy's and because I am a tomboy myself I quite enjoyed their growing up . teaching them how to play sports , playing with trucks, trains, building things that was all way cool but now they are all grown up and I am having my time now . I was raised on a farm living off of the land and livestock doing chores and going school , I was and still am a tomboy lol I was quite a joker in school always loved to make people laugh and never cared to hang with the girls or do girly stuff at all they were boring always hung with the guys and still do ! . Thanks for sharing who you are which to me sounds like a awesome person !Have a great week !